


memories

by jayeinacross



Category: Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 21:52:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jayeinacross/pseuds/jayeinacross
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn't remember him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	memories

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kaoro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaoro/gifts).



> My gift for kaoro for the Avengers Holiday Exchange.
> 
> Warnings for the medical condition Alzheimer's.

She doesn't remember him.

They say it's Alzheimer's, and Steve thinks back to one of his neighbours, an old man two doors down, whose sister stayed with him and took care of him. It got worse as he got older, and he started forgetting even how to read and write, but his sister stayed with him, and read to him and looked after him.

Steve comes and reads to Peggy now, at the nursing home, where there are a lot of different people looking after her. He's not there every day, but often enough that the others there learn his name and say hello when he sees them; the staff and the others living there that are well enough to remember him.

Peggy doesn't remember, and he reintroduces himself once or twice a week, reads her stories, sometimes poems. Tony gives him a portable music player that Natasha helps him load songs onto. He asks Natasha to help because he knows that she's clever enough to figure out what he does those afternoons when he disappears and comes back with a sad little smile, but understanding enough to know that Steve doesn't wanted to be asked questions.

Steve brings the music player along sometimes, playing music from the forties and before and through the rest of the twentieth century and into the twenty-first, a reminder of the seventy years of memories slipping through Peggy's grasp, seventy years that passed Steve by.

She had a family, but they're all gone now too. Maybe it's better that way, not knowing what you've lost. Steve is always going to remember, and it's more of a curse than a blessing.

It took him months to gather up the nerve to come here. It was easy enough to find out that Peggy was still alive, in a nursing home, there's information readily available at the click of a computer mouse now, but it took him a long time to actually convince himself to do it.

He knew that things were different, and he had to come to terms with that first. The 21st century is overwhelming, even without the complications of a sudden alien invasion. It's strange how Tony's the one that really helps Steve settle in and learn how the world has changed in those ninety years he's spent trapped in the ice.

Tony enters his life and throws things about more than they already are, but he's grateful in the end. As soon as Stark Tower's rebuilt, he insists that Steve and Natasha and Clint move out of the SHEILD HQ.

"You could probably sue for indecent living conditions there," Tony declares, and Natasha rolls her eyes. Steve catches her eye and grins.

He even manages to convince Bruce that living with them in the tower would be less stressful than his own place, and despite the chaos that comes hand in hand with being within close proximity with Tony Stark, he's actually right.

None of them have anywhere else to go, or anyone else to go to.

Sometimes it's hard to keep the lives that Steve's lived separate in his mind -- his past, a time gone by from which the only person he has left is Peggy, a woman he loved who doesn't remember him. And his present, in the 21st century, where he's found comrades, friends, but where he has nobody to talk to about what he's lost.

Except Peggy, and even if she doesn't know who he is, she's always willing to listen, so he talks to her.

He doesn't tell her that he's a super soldier who fought in the war and was frozen for decades, and he doesn't tell him that he lives with a team of superheroes, but he does tell her about his friends. About how it's taken time, and it's taken work, but things are starting to fit together.

When Bruce needs his space, he has it, but he also has Tony, and half the time they're in a lab together experimenting with something. A rocky start with Natasha gives way to admiration and respect, until they've developed a solid friendship too. Clint's relationship with Natasha is as strong as ever. He was the one closest to Coulson, and he hasn't quite come back from that loss yet, but he's not so distant with everyone anymore, and has made a hobby out of pulling pranks on Tony whenever he can.

Steve gets along with everyone, but surprisingly enough, it's Tony that he really just--connects with. And they still bicker and argue, enough that Clint jokes about them being an old married couple, but Steve finds himself spending half his time down in the shop with Tony. Tony's the one that really gets him used to the 21st century, always patient and willing to explain, if in his own unique way, always dragging Steve around the Tower and the city to show him things.

Rhodey and Pepper visit too, and Steve's maybe a little envious of how well they know Tony, how they just fit with him, and he can't imagine that it was anything but difficult to get to the point where they're that close and that comfortable with Tony, but they make it look so natural and easy. Rhodey's a good man, and Pepper reminds him a little of Peggy, in her strength and the way she won't take bull from anyone.

Tony and Pepper break it off, and Steve's there for the aftermath of that, when Tony buries himself in his work and pretends like he's less hurt than he is. Steve knows him well enough by now to realize that he's resigned to it, convinced that it was always going to happen anyway, but that doesn't give him any comfort.

"He can be a lot to handle," Steve tells Peggy. She doesn't say much, but he knows she's listening despite her silence. "He's a good man. But maybe working with him and being with him was too much."

Steve wonders if his friendship with Tony is any different, if it could survive working with him, living with him, as well as all the risks that come with what they do -- or if that would only make it stronger.

Sometimes he looks at Natasha and Clint and wonders what it is exactly between them. He knows that Clint saved her life when he was supposed to kill her, but he's sure she's paid back her debt to him many times over now. Steve never asks about their relationship, afraid that it would be impolite, but also partly because he's not sure that it's something that can really be put into words.

He tells Peggy about them too, never giving away any important information or anything confidential, but just wanting to talk. "I don't know much about their past, but they've been through a lot together and I know they've been...together, but if that complicated anything, they don't show it."

It's something that seems like it'd be forever. Not just a memory that fades with time and age, but a part of life that has affected them so much that it'll stay with them until they die.

Steve's been in love twice in his life, and he'll never forget any of it. Bucky, for his fearlessness and his confidence, his loyalty and his solid presence in Steve's life. And Peggy, for her strength and her determination, her belief in him, her courage.

He'll never forget those loves for as long as he lives, and there will always be an ache in his heart for what he could have had and what he lost.

***

Tony catches Steve just as he's coming back into the Tower, and when he asks Steve where he's been, all he gets is an evasive "Just out, seeing the sights," from him. But as much as he wants to ask, he doesn't. He's had countless lectures telling him to stay out of other people's business -- some of them from Steve himself -- but he'd never expected to actually listen to any of it.

Then again, Steve's not exactly what he'd expected either, and Tony has some appreciation for the unexpected.

He lets it go, but the thought latches on and once it's there, it won't go away. There's a pattern, a few hours every Tuesday when Steve disappears unless there's an Avengers emergency, but he never says where he goes, or even mentions it at all.

It goes on for weeks, and he and Tony are friends now, but Steve still never says anything. Tony's proud of himself for not asking, and more significantly, not simply finding out himself. It's been said more often than is probably necessary that Tony doesn't have a particularly good sense of personal boundaries -- everyone knows that already; in Tony's opinion, they don't really need to keep saying it -- and even if he's decided not to act on it, the burning curiosity is still there.

"Don't you ever wonder where he goes?" Tony can't help blurting out to Clint one Tuesday when Steve's gone again. Clint just gives him a blank look, so he elaborates. "Steve. He goes out every Tuesday, and he never says where."

Clint's expression changes from confused to pitying. "Stark, you know that's practically verging on stalking, right?"

"Let the man have a private life," Natasha adds, sweeping into the room. "Just leave it." She gives him one of her looks, and Tony relents. He strongly suspects that Natasha knows exactly what Steve gets up to on Tuesdays, but he knows she won't tell, and it's likely that she figured it out by herself.

Anyway -- and not that Tony would admit this -- if he was really prepared to find out what Steve is doing by himself instead of just asking, he would have done it already.

When Steve gets back, he finds Tony in the shop, and he looks a little sad. It's another part of the pattern, but Tony still doesn't know what to make of it, let alone what to do about it. He's not the first choice for comfort for anyone, and that Steve always comes to find him on Tuesdays after he gets back to the Tower is something that Tony's been trying not to read too much into.

The team is fragile enough, and even though they've grown closer and stronger in the past few months, he won't forget how unstable they were at first, how it took the death of a good man to bring them together.

But the sad eyes that Steve is unwittingly making at Dummy, who just tries to shove screws into his hands is sort of unbearable, so Tony pushes his work away and declares that they're going out for lunch.

"Come on," he says, pushing his stool away from his workbench. "You haven't tried the best oysters in New York yet, no time to waste."

Steve goes easily, and after that, it becomes a ritual. Tony makes the whole team go out to try the new restaurants in town or whatever has caught his eye next, but every Tuesday after Steve gets back from his mystery outing, it's just him and Tony. Whether it's a new place that Tony wants to try out or somewhere familiar that they both like, it's just the two of them, and though Tony never stops wondering about what Steve does beforehand, it bothers him less.

 

* * *

 

It's strange, Steve thinks, what Tuesdays have become. He goes to see Peggy and he talks about life in the 21st century, talks about the things he doesn't say to his teammates. And then he goes out with Tony, who introduces him to even more things that he only half understands, but sometimes he talks about the past with him, the things that are too painful to talk about with Peggy.

There was a point in time where Steve thought that he'd never fit in here, that he'd never be able to adjust to this life, go back to how it was. And it's different, but some things are the same, and he's adapted more easily than he thought he would.

Steve's considered that seeing Peggy so often is maybe not the best way to move on, but it's actually helped rather than harmed. He'll never forget her, or how he loved her, but she's had her life. She had another love, she had a family, and maybe now is Steve's chance to have those things too.

The Avengers are as close to a family as Steve has now, and they're not always the most certain thing, but they're more than Steve could have hoped for. Fighting together has built trust and reliance and that's a bond that isn't easily broken. And Thor's missing, the only one from their first fight as a truly united team, but it turns out that he's not gone for long.

Tony and Steve are in the shop when there's an almighty crash and all the alarms start wailing. They both jump up immediately, Steve running out with Tony on his heels, Tony shouting to JARVIS. When they get to the source of all the commotion, they find Thor standing in the middle of the half-wrecked sitting room where bits of furniture are still smoking, beaming, while Bruce, Clint and Natasha are standing by gaping at him.

It's a blur of movement and talk and a fair amount of confusion from there on; Tony and Bruce start talking with Thor about he got here, and Steve hears snatches of conversations that he doesn't quite understand, talk of magic and science and everything in between, while Natasha and Clint go to contact SHIELD, and Jane Foster.

Steve's left hovering, not sure what he should do, and in the end, he goes into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Thor's appearance is a surprise, since they'd all thought that there was no way for Thor to get from Asgard to Earth, but after everything that Steve's seen, there's not much that can shock him anymore.

A little while later, Steve's still in the kitchen and Thor comes in, greeting him enthusiastically. Steve's happy to see him -- they didn't know each other for long, but long enough for Steve to see that Thor was not only powerful and potentially dangerous, a little impulsive and impatient, but also that he's fiercely loyal and good, and someone who will make a good leader for his own realm.

"It is good to see you, Captain," Thor tells him sincerely, after crushing him in a hug.

"You too, Thor," Steve says, and that's when Tony comes in, still talking happily. This is the Tony that Steve loves seeing the best, when he's babbling on about something, his cheeks flushed with excitement, talking even though Steve doesn't really know what it means.

Thor catches his eye while he's watching Tony and smiles knowingly, making Steve flush for a different reason and look away quickly.

He's not entirely sure what to think of his feelings for Tony. He thinks that Tony must still be hurting from his breakup with Pepper, but he's never certain, because Tony hides these things behind a wall that he lets very few past, and it's left Steve floundering, unsure of his place. But he goes to Peggy's nursing home next Tuesday and tells her about Tony, and then he knows that his feelings are certain, even if he doesn't know about Tony's.

 

* * *

 

Thor's sudden arrival was a surprise, for sure, but a good one, even if it means that Tony's going to have to rebuild the sitting room. The others have had a few months to get to know each other, and they've all grown closer over that time, but Thor just fits right in. He's a little less rash and a little wiser, but he's still cheerful and enthusiastic and friendly.

The media pounces on the story as soon as Thor's reappearance becomes public, and as always, there's still the people that think he's a threat, that think the Avengers themselves are a danger, but the work they've done over the past few months has won most people over. Once Thor shows that he's a part of the team and isn't a liability or an alien menace, he's accepted as much as the rest of them are.

Everything's going well -- Thor is back, the Avengers are doing good work, Stark Industries' business is booming, and Tony is pretty sure that Steve trusts him. They've come a long way since their first meeting, but exactly how far, neither of them are sure.

Until they're out at lunch one day, one of their regular places where all the staff know them by now, Tony's been avoiding thinking about what it is that they're doing, but denying it any longer isn't doing either of them any good. Subtle isn't usually a word used to describe Tony Stark, but Steve's not exactly the average sort of person either.

Steve's laughing at something that Tony's said and Tony suddenly wonders what Steve would do if he just across the booth and kissed him, right now. He'd confided in Tony that he'd had a thing for Bucky when they were younger, and after the last few weeks, Tony knows that he might walk away from it with his pride hurt, but he's beginning to think that he won't. It hasn't been hard to notice that Steve watches him a lot; everything's clear on his face and maybe it's a risk, but it's one that Tony's willing to take.

And that's when Steve says it.

"I go to see Peggy every Tuesday," Steve blurts out. "Before we go out. She's in a nursing home, I go and see her."

"Oh," Tony says, startled. He's known that Peggy was still alive, he'd looked into her months ago when he first heard that they'd found Steve in the ice, but he hadn't kept any tabs on her, and hadn't realized that that's where Steve's been going. It makes sense, when he thinks about it.

"She has Alzheimer's," Steve continues. "And she doesn't. She doesn't remember me."

She's probably one of the only surviving people that Steve knew before he was frozen, and he'd want to see her. Steve's trying to smile a little, but he's still got that sad look in his eyes, and of course he does, because he's still in love with her.

Tony can't help but distance himself from Steve a little after that, which means that he's subjected to Steve's sad eyes when he blows him off, but he doesn't have a lot of choice, because he's obviously misinterpreted something along the way.

Natasha also starts glaring at him whenever he enters a room, and it's sort of alarming how she seems to know everything without anyone telling her. It goes on like this for weeks, Tony still spending time with Steve, but noticeably less of it alone with him, and Steve's gone from sad and confused to slightly angry and confused, but he won't confront Tony about it.

The building tension is starting to put everyone else on edge, even those who have no idea what happened. They still fight well together, it's natural, automatic to do so, but at home they're more stiff with each other, purposefully blocking the flow of their relationship. But even so, everyone is bracing for the inevitable fallout, unless someone can intervene.

 

* * *

 

It's a sunny Friday afternoon when Pepper walks into the rebuilt sitting room, takes in the sight of Steve and Tony sitting down and stubbornly ignoring each other, with Clint, Natasha, Thor and Bruce also sitting nearby, looking extremely uncomfortable.

"Tony," Pepper says, and he looks alarmed.

"What did I do now?"

It's not odd for Pepper to be in the Tower; she's still the CEO of Stark Industries and Tony still avoids meetings like the plague, but as far as he can remember, he hasn't done anything that was too much of a PR disaster lately.

"I called her," Natasha says. "Pepper. Thank you for coming."

Pepper grimaces. "No problem. I can see that it was needed. Tony, come with me." He looks wary, but follows her out of the room anyway.

"Steve," Natasha says, and he turns away from watching Tony and Pepper leave. "I think we need to talk."

"Um, I don't think I'm needed here," Bruce says, and moves to get up.

"Sit down, doc," Natasha tells him, and he does.

"Is this an intervention?" Clint asks, sounding more excited about the prospect than he probably should.

"Nothing's wrong," Steve says automatically. Natasha sighs, Thor and Bruce exchange glances, and Clint gives him a pitying look.

"There is definitely a problem here," Bruce says, and the others nod in agreement.

"Tony has been strangely melancholy lately," Thor says.

Steve crosses his arms. "Just because Tony--"

"Has an abundance of emotional issues, doesn't mean that you have to be equally as stubborn," Natasha finishes.

"Please fix it," Bruce adds. "He's practically pining."

"If he was pining, then why did he just -- stop talking to me like that?" Steve lets out a frustrated sigh. "I didn't do anything. I just. You know. Told him about Peggy, that I was visiting her, because I trusted him."

There's a long moment of silence that stretches out into awkwardness, and Bruce coughs into his hand.

"Well, that explains a lot," Clint says, finally.

 

* * *

 

"He's not still in love with her," Pepper says, and at the face Tony makes, she sighs. "How long have you spent convincing yourself that that's true? No, don't answer that, I don't think I actually want to know."

Tony sulks a little at that, and Pepper's face softens.

"Steve likes you, Tony. Trust me, I can tell." She puts a hand on his arm. "You've essentially been taking him out on dates every week, and he's never complained about that. That is not a man who's stuck in the past."

Her words register, and Tony narrows his eyes. "How do you know all that?"

"Natasha calls sometimes. She was concerned."

"You know, sometimes I wish you were more bitter about her lying about being a SHIELD agent and pretending to be an assistant instead."

"We found some common ground," Pepper says, and gives Tony a pointed look. "All those people out there? They care about you. That's why they're here, and Steve is no exception to that. If you're worried about how it'll affect the team, just look at what's going on right now. Besides," she adds, smiling a little, "we turned out all right, didn't we?"

"Yeah," Tony says. "I guess we did."

Pepper looks over Tony's shoulder and nods. "I'll just leave you two to talk, then."

She pats Steve on the shoulder as she passes him and leaves. Steve shuffles uncomfortably. "Tony," he says, and the alarms start shrieking, JARVIS' voice saying something about a possibly extraterrestrial/magical emergency downtown.

"You have got to be kidding me," someone says from just outside the door, and Tony is relatively sure that it's Clint.

"Screw this," Tony says, steps forward, and pulls Steve down for a kiss.

There's some quiet cheering from outside, also probably Clint, that prompts them to break apart.

"I'm not still in love with Peggy," is the first thing that Steve says, smiling.

Tony grins back. "Yeah, I think I got that now. Let's go save the world again."

"What we do best," Steve agrees.


End file.
